Hippo Eats Dwarf: A Ten-Minute Play
An exercise for Intermediate Playwriting at the University of Michigan School of Music, Theatre & Dance, inspired by the hoax article Hippo Eats Dwarf
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
REPORTER, REPORTER #2: Professional, lacking emotional connection, BBC-style British
MENSEN, LEUTE: Mid 50’s, incredibly arrogant, faux-Oxbridge-educated, constantly cut each
other off, stuffy accents
BOY: Kindergarten-aged, naive, jubilant
SETTING:
A British news-based television channel.
(Lights up on REPORTER.)
REPORTER
Coming at you live from the New Strand Shopping Centre in Bootle, England, where, eight years
ago, Hilda the Hippopotamus swallowed a dwarf, nicknamed Jamie, in a circus accident. The
dwarf died when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a
hippopotamus. Hilda the Hippo’s extremely controversial release from jail forces us to re-
examine the case that inundated our televisions and newspapers in 1993. Now to Kirkby,
England, the hometown of Jamie the dwarf, for more information on this historical case.
(Lights out on REPORTER. Lights up on REPORTER #2.)
REPORTER #2
The swallowing of Jamie was the first of many CCTV crimes to capture the media’s attention.
Most recently, CCTV footage was positively used to identify the bombers, both bears, of a gypsy
caravan. However, use of CCTV cameras to patrol England has come under great speculation
following the murder of an innocent member of the freak show, Jean Charles de Menezes.
Police, who stormed onto a caravan and shot Menezes without warning, claim that Menezes
appeared ‘bear-like’ on camera footage.
In the instance of Jamie the dwarf, CCTV cameras in the New Strand Shopping Centre allowed
investigators to pinpoint Hilda the Hippo’s identity. Unfortunately, at the time of the crime, the
38-plus spectators continued to applaud wildly until commonsense dictated that there had been a
tragic mistake. Many questioned the integrity of Jamie’s mother, considering the dangers of
Jamie’s involvement in circus acts at the mere age of two. However, evidence claims that Jamie
ran away to the circus after only a brief moment of inattention on his mother’s part. Back to the
studio for more Mensen v. Leute.
(Lights out on REPORTER #2. Lights up on MENSEN and
LEUTE, co-hosts of their own argument-based talk show.
They sit in overbearing chairs, roughly facing each
other.)
MENSEN
Yes, Menezes’ murder was recent. His murder forces us to question the intentions of our law
enforcement officials. It has also caused speculation about the usage of CCTV, which the
opposition has nicknamed (finger quotes) ‘Big Brother.’ However, on the day of Hilda the
Hippo’s release, the CCTV debate is of the least pertinence.
LEUTE
I agree. Now, we began to hear about the hippo's potential release of the hippo in 1999,
although Hilda was initially sentenced to a term ‘at her Majesty’s pleasure.’ Hilda’s lawyer appealed to the European Court
of Animal Rights on the basis of Hilda’s age at the time of the initial hearing. The party claimed
that, at the age of 10, an adult hearing was, perhaps, inappropriate.
MENSEN
Inappropriate!? The hippo swallowed a two year-old dwarf! A crime so perverse could only be
committed by a hippo with ineradicable mental disability. The crime merits an adult trial, as
Hilda’s sociopathy will persist throughout the hippo’s adulthood.
LEUTE
Well, after further investigation of Hilda’s upbringing and home environment, some vets believe
Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex that automatically caused her to swallow. Not to mention, Hilda
the Hippo’s party insists,
“it was the first time the hefty vegetarian had ever eaten a circus performer.”
(hand quotes) (takes on new voice for quote)
MENSEN
Of course the party of the defendant is going to defend. And Hilda was 10 at the time of the
murder, you can’t expect the hippo to have...
LEUTE
(interrupting)
You would agree that there is sufficient evidence that victims of abuse are predisposed to
continue the cycle of abuse?
MENSEN
I think it’s a case by…
LEUTE
(interrupting)
Say a previously abused elephant, for this purpose a child, bullies another elephant in the ring.
The elephant’s violence is probably a result of a predisposition to abuse. You might even say
that the elephant’s predisposition is a mental disability. Would you try the elephant in an adult
court simply because this disability will continue throughout adulthood? With therapy and
treatment, progress can be made…
MENSEN
(interrupting)
Can you honestly make a connection between the crime of bullying and the brutal swallowing of
a two year-old dwarf? Mind you, Jamie wasn’t a peer of Hilda the Hippo. Come on, a child has
enough sense, abused or not, to know that swallowing a dwarf is wrong. And we know from clear
evidence and interrogation that this crime was pre-meditated. I cannot imagine such a crime even
crossing the mind of a ten year-old, nonetheless, anyone...
LEUTE
Yes, but we were both raised in healthy environments.
(MENSEN and LEUTE’s voices begin to get louder
and more forceful.)
MENSEN
I don’t care about the circumstances of Hitler’s ‘formative years’ … he’s still responsible for the
deaths of over six million people!
LEUTE
That statement is entirely inappropriate for this discussion. You can’t compare Hilda the Hippo
to Hitler.
MENSEN
Unfortunately, some people in this world are born sick. This crime could not have been
committed by a hippo without a complete lack of conscience. We are supposed to have
consciences… anyone different is diseased.
LEUTE
Without debating your completely ignorant point about normalcy... Let’s just say, for the time
being, that maybe Hilda does have a disease. Does Hilda deserve to spend eternity locked in a
cell or mental institution for a crime committed as a child? Does Hilda deserve to be euthanized?
It isn’t as if the government is just letting Hilda run free. They are keeping the hippo on life
licence – meaning the hippo will be under surveillance. Hilda will be immediately taken into
custody if there is any sense of potential danger to the public.
MENSEN
If I were the mother of a dwarf, I would not feel comfortable knowing that Hilda is among us.
Especially considering that the hippo’s identity has been changed…
LEUTE MENSEN
... For the hippo’s safety! If Hilda’s identity
wasn’t changed, the hippo would never
have a chance for employment. Not to
mention, I am almost positive that attempts
would be taken on Hilda’s life. If you want
Hilda to be a productive member of society,
the hippo needs the opportunity to be
successful...
And who is to say that the police are going to be
able to keep watch on Hilda 24/7? Do you
honestly think that Hilda has innately changed?
Hilda showed no remorse at the time of the
initial trial, and the hippo premeditated Jamie
the dwarf’s death. OF COURSE attempts are
going to be taken on Hilda’s life. Anyone can
follow the rules, put on ‘good behavior’...
(Lights abruptly out on MENSEN and LEUTE,
speaking as soon as the lights go out. Lights up
in the middle of their argument. They stop
on REPORTER.)
REPORTER
We now interrupt your program for the 10:30 news. The nation is abuzz today with talk of
Robert Thompson and Jon Venables’ release from custody. In 2000, after a 1999 appeal to the
European Court of Human Rights, Lord Chief Justice Harry Woolf reduced the boys’ minimum
sentence on the basis of good behavior. Now eighteen, the boys have been released. Thompson
and Venable are infamously known for committing the murder of two year-old Jamie Bulger. On
February 12th, 1993, Jamie Bulger was abducted from the Strand Shopping Centre in Bootle,
England by Thompson and Venables, then 10. The boys proceeded to walk with Bulger for two-
and-a-half miles before brutally torturing and killing Jamie. Jamie’s face was covered in blue
paint before the boys proceeded to kick Jamie, as well as bludgeon him with a 22-pound iron bar,
bricks, and various stones. Thompson and Venable then laid Jamie across railway tracks, where
Jamie’s already dead body was halved by a train. This crime is most famously recognized by a
CCTV still capturing Bulger’s abduction from the shopping center. The various witnesses of
Bulger’s escort from the building, along with the witnesses of Bulger and the boys on their walk,
have become infamously known as the “Liverpool 38.” On February 12th, 1993...
BOY
(voiceover)
The hippo ate the dwarf.
(Blackout.)
Selected text from “Hippo Eats Dwarf” article, based on actual Jamie Bulger case.